Autobiography of A Mystic (Part 1)

The artistic life is creation...the spiritual life is immortality.  What happens when we combine the two?

Author's preface

In late Fall of 2014 I was asked by the Priesthood of the Temple of Antinous Hollywood to submit an introduction of myself to the online community so that they could become better acquainted with me and my spiritual journey.  Though they had asked for a "simple", "brief" description of who I was and how I had come to my unusual spiritual calling, what I gave them was a novella of sorts, an outpouring of the major events that had shaped my journey into the Sacred from the time I was a child to the near present.  I had begun with the intention of brevity, which was, as anyone who knows me well enough can attest, a futile effort.

Something happened to me as I began to reflect on my very strange childhood, on the eccentric personalities and synchronicities that swept across my path and caused me to take up an unorthodox path.  I realized as I got deeper into this writing that though I had discussed some of these events with people very close to me, I had never spoken about, let alone written down, so many significant episodes that have shaped my life quite profoundly.

In anticipation of my birthday next week, I would like to offer up this autobiographical sketch as a means of sharing my spiritual journey with those who have an interest in my work as an iconographer and path as a Kemetic Reconstructionist/ mystic.

I was initially going to title these posts "Autobiography of a Kemetic", however, that would imply to my readers that the contents would be exclusively Kemetic (Ancient Egyptian), without the flavor of other paths or practices being part of the mix.  Though it is true that I now identify my path as Kemetic or Kemetic Reconstructionism, that has not always been the case.  Kemetic, yes.  I have served the netjeru or goddesses and gods of Ancient Egypt (Kemet) very consciously from the time I was six years old.  But serving Them from a Reconstructionist point of view is something that has evolved slowly and steadily, almost imperceptibly over the past five to six years especially.  As happens when you develop and grow in your relationship with living deities, They guide you, often in very unexpected ways, to perspectives and areas of self-investigation that had hitherto remained in the shadows.

In these regards, I share with you my reflections on the people and events that have gone into the making of the man and the artist you now see before you.  My hope is that this gives further insight into the seeds and nature of my work as a Kemetic iconographer.


Life Begins at 40/ Wonderful Things

I turned 40 last year, and I keep being reminded of that funny little saying "life begins at 40". My experience is that a lot of gay men are age conscious and have a tendency towards holding onto their youth, even long after their youth has let go of them. Aging has never bothered me, but it has made me aware of the truth of that long standing belief that with age comes wisdom...or at least with that length of experience comes insights, knowledge or epiphany. This year has been a pivotal year for me, spiritually, emotionally and metaphysically. I find that the Gods are opening up doors for me that I never knew were there, waiting patiently.

I was born a native of San Diego, California, where my father received his Master's Degree in anthropology and the humanities. He was also an artist, a very talented watercolorist and painter of male and female nudes. His focus in some of his work was the figurative art of the Greeks and Romans, which also was central to his research for his degree and studies in the arts and humanities. His den where he drew, researched and painted was full of books of antique art and ancient Mediterranean civilizations.

It was there in his den that I uncovered, at the age of seven or eight, the massive scholarly volumes on ancient Rome and her art. It was there that I first saw the famous Farnese Antinous...that sensual and divine exploration of the nude male form. I was hooked. Despite my very young age, even then I remember being conscious of my sexuality and my attraction to the Gods of Classical antiquity. Antinous always represented for me the promise of immortality and resurrection, agelessness and continuity of the Soul. But also, he embodied the innocence of a noble mind untainted by time or human experience. He was a representative of a quest for the Highest Nature to which humankind is the heir. Even as a boy, I knew somehow that Antinous was my god, or rather one of them, for I have always been deeply rebellious against the idea of monotheism.

Statue of Antinous. Reelaboration of the 2nd century AD after a Greek original of the Late Classical period.

I was raised in a very traditional Baptist upper middle class family, with a very long history of males who turned out to be Christian missionaries and evangelical preachers. I remember sitting on my grandfather's knees as a young boy and listening to his hopes that I too would join the army of Christ as a disciple of the Gospel, bringing others into the fold. Needless to say, those hopes have not been realized!

However, in another very unexpected way, my grandfather's desires for me to be a missionary have been brought to light, but not within the Christian faith he and my family ardently follow. Some time around 1982-83 I had my spontaneous call to the Goddess Isis and the Egyptian religion. In my father's extensive library of ancient art and civilizations I came across a volume with lavish color photographs of famous Egyptian temples, sculpture and artifacts. Among them were pictures of the magnificent Temple of Isis at Philae, which the ancient Egyptians called Per-Auset.

Here were images of pylons in which the Goddess Isis and Her holy family told the story of Egypt's ancient resurrection myth...the Osirian drama in which the Goddess Isis, Great of Magic, brings to life Her murdered husband Ausir-Osiris so that She may conceive His son, Horus, the Egyptian Heru, the falcon-headed defender of Truth and divine justice. It was Auset, Isis the great Mother Goddess who had the power to restore a murdered god back to life, and it was by Her miraculous magic that the seed of the resurrected god was drawn forth in order to conceive the very child who would grow to manhood in order to renew the balance of justice and divine order in Egypt.

But there were many other gods in Egypt whose images ensnared my heart when I sat for hours with that volume in my father's den. Among these was the God Ptah, craftsman and Divine Architect of creation...Patron of all painters and artisans and Creator of the Gods, and Amun-Ra, the King of the Gods. I became obsessed with these pre-Christian deities and the culture that fostered them, and in my heart I began to say little prayers to them, timidly hoping that these strange gods would hear me, and somehow give me a sign.

My father and mother were fundamentalist evangelical Baptist Christians, so their tolerance for any non-Christian belief was nearly non-existent, so in their eyes their eight-year-old son could not possibly be praying to Egyptian gods...those "false idols" of the Pagan world. Of course, my parents treated my obsession with Egyptian religion, magic, mummification and hieroglyphs as a passing childhood interest...you know, one among those many things that children pick up, enjoy the novelty of for as long as that lasts, and then move on to the next passing fancy. I had had the usual enchantments with cowboys and Indians, dinosaurs, and a very strange fixation with flags, so they assumed that my obsession with ancient Egypt was one of those, and not the metaphysical passion that it really was.

I checked out every book on things Egyptian from my school library, and spent every night reading under the covers about Egyptian gods, temples, mummies and hieroglyphs. Before I went to bed each night I propped one of my Egyptian picture books on the desk next to my bed, and said my prayers to Isis, Osiris, Horus, Ptah and Sekhmet. I asked the Gods to reveal their secrets to me, and then, one night prior to my 9th birthday, I asked those ancient Gods to reopen their temples for me...to send me a path to them in this world.

One Saturday morning my parents and I were taking a walk through the touristy shopping district in historic Old Town San Diego, and as we passed the massive Bohanan's Pottery yard, full of its Mexican ceramics and outdoor fountains, I caught sight of a large sign that had a picture of Michelangelo's David on it, and said Dergance Sculpture Studio. Curious because of the presence of the very recognizable David, I went up to a large window of the studio and peered inside. What I saw stole my breath and made my heart beat faster.

Inside the small but beautifully appointed studio space were bookshelves, tables and display stands filled with gilded replicas of the King Tutankhamun treasures, Egyptian gods and goddesses, and Classical and Renaissance marbles. A large marble reproduction of Michelangelo's David stood proudly in one corner of the studio, and beside it stood various other Greco-Roman sculptures, including a magnificent version of the famous Farnese Antinous, and several sizes of equally famous busts of Antinous. Roman gods peered out from every angle, including the Venus de milo and Botticelli's Birth of Venus. A splendid Pan played His pipes and wagged His erection proudly. I couldn't believe my eyes. Here was an entire shop filled with the gods and treasures I thought of as mine!

Dergance Sculpture Studio was owned by a charming senior couple, Maxine and Robert Dergance, who had traveled extensively throughout Egypt and Europe, collecting historical replicas and museum reproductions, including the extensive line of high quality knock offs of the Tutankhamun treasures produced by the Artisans Guild International company. Though their studio was closed on the day I first peered in the window, gushing to my parents how we just had to get inside, my mother took down the business phone number and called that week to make an appointment with Maxine Dergance. When finally the next weekend we walked into that studio, it was for me like that seminal moment when Egyptologist Howard Carter gazed into the treasure-crammed tomb of Tutankhamun for the first time. I felt I had come home...there in one place where the gods, MY GODS, and the kings who had first worshiped them, were represented in their golden and jewel-toned icons.

Maxine Dergance was a very unusual lady, a fascinating eccentric who talked to me about reincarnation and past lives in ancient Egypt, as I sat down with her at her large working table in Dergance Studio. As she described her travels in Egypt to me, she talked about feelings she had as she visited various temples and monuments, feelings of having been there before, in a different time thousands of years before. I whispered to her that I had had those same feelings and experiences when contemplating pictures of Egyptian locations and objects...that I also prayed to Egyptian gods.

The Priestess of Isis/ Isis Oasis

The Rt. Reverend Lady Loreon Vigné, Arch Priestess of Isis

 
 It was then that Maxine went over to one of her very crowded studio shelves and took down a striking picture of a beautiful lady sporting an Elizabeth Taylor Cleopatra wig and Egyptian costume, holding a Sistrum in one hand, standing before a shrine of different icons of the Goddess Isis. "This is my good friend Lora Vigné", she said as I gawked at this unusual lady wearing heavy Egyptian-style eye liner. "She owns a property called Isis Oasis, and she is a
modern day priestess of the Goddess Isis".

Maxine then told me the strange story of how this vibrant and revolutionary artist- who had been married to the famous avant garde film maker and painter Dion Vigné- had moved to Sonoma County California from San Francisco because the Goddess Isis had spoken to her in dreams, visions and signs. Lora Vigné (who later changed her name to Loreon) was a believer in the Sacred Feminine, in the return of what she was calling Goddess Consciousness. Part of that work was to restore awareness of the ancient Egyptian religion of the Goddess Isis, who Lora believed was the original deity worshiped by the Egyptians in their pre-history.

Isis Oasis Sanctuary was a 10 acre metaphysical retreat center where celebrants came together to honor the Sacred Feminine in the being of the Egyptian Goddess Isis, who was honored at the Oasis in dramatic Mystery plays and reenactments of ancient Egyptian ritual and dance. Lora as High Priestess of Isis had been called through various "coincidences" in her work as an artist to devote her life to the Goddess Isis as the living embodiment of the Sacred Feminine. It was Lora's conviction that the patriarchal religions of mankind had unbalanced society and inflicted harm on the Earth through holy wars and constricting dogma. Lora Vigné's great project was to create a spiritual refuge where the ancient Egyptian ideals of the Temple could be actualized by clergy and devotees of the Goddess Isis today.

The little Meditation Temple at Isis Oasis Sanctuary receives the first rays of the morning sun

Lady Loreon & Paul Ramses created this living temple to the Great Goddess Auset/ Isis

Lady Loreon's own glorious stained glass Egyptian panels grace the Altar of Isis inside the Meditation Temple

"Someone like you must be put in touch with someone like her", Maxine told me. "Lora will want to connect with someone so young who has remembered a spiritual connection with ancient Egypt. Since you pray to Isis, you need to go to Isis Oasis!"

I was around nine and a half years of age when I sent my first letter to Lora Vigné at Isis Oasis, this after Maxine Dergance phoned Lora and had a very animated conversation with her about me. I remember sharing very personal things about myself and my metaphysical beliefs in that letter, enclosing with it pictures my mother had taken of me dressed up as King Tutankhamun for Halloween that year. Most of all, I stressed to Lora that I actually believed in the Goddess Isis as a living being, as a living goddess who heard and answered my prayers.

Through some of the books of Sir. E.A. Wallis Budge I had been teaching myself Egyptian hieroglyphs, and chanting the words of the "Book of the Dead" (which the Egyptians called the Book of Coming Forth By Day, Pert-em-hru) in little rituals I devised for my Egyptian statues in my bedroom. I would put my statue of Isis to bed each night, and then "wake" her up in the morning. Mostly, I followed my intuition and inner guidance, feeling that I was remembering things I had already learned in a previous existence in ancient Egypt. All of this I poured out to Lora in a letter that changed the entire course of my life.

Lora Vigné and her lifetime partner Paul Ramses had started a non-profit religious educational organization called the Isis Society For Inspirational Studies, which was dedicated to the study and promotion of various branches of metaphysical disciplines, including the reconstruction of the ancient Egyptian religion, sacred Mystery dramas, ritual theater, hypnosis and past life regression. Lora and Paul began sending me volumes of research, notes and historical papers as they continued to develop the Isis Society and gather various metaphysical/ spiritualist authors to their cause. During one of many lengthy telephone conversations I had with them, Paul and Lora took me through a meditative past life regression exercise during which they confirmed for me my beliefs in having lived past lives in ancient Egypt. They also told me that it was important for me to take my studies in Egyptian religion, language and history seriously, because they saw that I was destined for the Priesthood of the Goddess Isis, and much more besides.

Lora Vigné and Paul Ramses

In the early 1980's Lora Vigné and Paul Ramses traveled extensively on pilgrimages to awaken and honor the ancient traditions they felt charged to reintroduce to the world through Isis Oasis. It was in Enniscorthy, Ireland that they had their transformative meeting with Lord and Lady Strathloch, the Lord Lawrence and Lady Olivia Durdin-Robertson, co-founders of The Fellowship of Isis, a spiritual gathering consecrated to the living Mysteries of the Goddess Isis, and to spiritual awakening entire. It was there that Lord and Lady Strathloch initiated Lora and Paul into the Fellowship of Isis as Priestess and Priest, and empowered them to return to the States in order to resurrect the ancient Egyptian Temple of Isis.

It was on the lush sacred grounds of Isis Oasis Retreat Center that Lora and Paul erected a splendid recreation (albeit on a much smaller scale and using modern building techniques!) of a traditional Egyptian temple, which was furnished with lavish marble-topped altar and Lora's own hand crafted Egyptian stained glass panels. This was the setting for the solemn ritual dramas and reenactments of Egyptian Isian religion that Lora and Paul felt compelled to bring back to the world. Through the use of vivid music, incense, costume and pageantry, Lora and Paul sought to bring back something of the dignified mystery and magic of ancient Egyptian spirituality...so rich in symbol and sacred flavors...attuned to something primordial in the nature of humankind.

This is the world Lora and Paul introduced to me through their lengthy letters, postcards and telephone conversations. My parents seemed to tolerate my animated relationship with these "New Age religionists", as my mother put it, because they saw what Lora and Paul were doing as more akin to historical reenactment and eccentric Egyptology (with a New Age twist). They never took it seriously or seemed to notice that I had rejected the entire concept of Christianity and monotheism. Somehow it went right over their heads that their pre-pubescent son was an "idolator", magician and ardent devotee of ancient polytheism.

In February of 1985, at the time of my birthday, I was asked by Lora Vigné and Paul Ramses to join them via attunement (over the telephone) in order to be formally consecrated as a Votary of Isis in the Isis Society For Inspirational Studies. This, they told me, would be my path to the Priesthood, which Lora and Paul felt was where the Goddess Isis was leading me. It would be a very long path, fraught with the darkness and light that are part of the fabric woven into the Veil of Isis. The Ancients of various Mystery religions knew that in order to come forth into the light of sacred illumination, that a dark night of the Soul must be braved and transcended. We must grow and develop with our limitations and ego, not ignore or shun them. Darkness is the origin of the Light, thus the Goddess Isis dons the Veil of the Mysteries, which covers the universe and hallows the hearts of votaries with Gnosis.

Isis Is An Urban Goddess (Part 2)

 

"Auset (Isis) Queen of Magic", an icon in progress/ Extra fine mineral oils, 22 karat gold, copper

In the early 80’s I was growing up as part of the MTV generation. Cyndi Lauper, Depeche Mode, Wham!, George Michael, Prince and Michael Jackson were all the rage. But foremost of the 80’s pop royalty was Madonna, savvy media mogul and video temptress, whose attention grabbing blend of sex and urban sheikh fashions, mixed with a high octane cocktail of street smarts and femininity, came to define the 80’s and everything that made us tick then.

The first video I saw of this glamorous street urchin was “Burning Up”, in which Madonna appears as a gyrating, sexually frustrated femme fatale, singing and sultry in the middle of a street as her lover drives toward her. Not an award winner by any stretch, but I was hooked. “Who is this girl?”, I thought, and decided to stay tuned. This was the beginning of a 30 year love affair with the Marilyn Monroe look alike who wasn’t, but also coincided with the initiation of a personal obsession with powerful women and divine femininity that was to take me to the depths and heights of human experience. 

Though pop goddesses may not seem a very likely introduction to THE GODDESS, for me as a young boy, the entrance of Madonna onto the pop culture stage resonated with a budding belief that the power and sexuality of women was a source of something sacred and mysterious…something primordial and latent in all living things.

I was attending St. Alban’s Perish Day School, a private Catholic institution, when Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” album and video were released. This was a seminal moment of my boyhood. Madonna appeared as a lace and crucifix adorned sex symbol, sometimes veiled, sometimes clad in very little at all, and yet her strength, power and femininity were anything but demure. Here was a girl on a mission to conquer the world, who may at times have appeared as the stereotypical blond bimbo, but whose dominant self possession belied any attempts by men to have or control her in traditional domestic sexist roles.

It was Madonna’s liberated sexuality and confidence that made an impression on me, but also her explicit use of Christian and Catholic iconography. For me, the crucifix and the veil, both making appearances in “Like a Virgin”, symbolized deeper mysteries than Madonna’s need to harvest visuals from her staunch Catholic upbringing. These were hallmarks of an ancient Goddess into whose mysteries I was just beginning to be drawn, a goddess whose veiled countenance was to transfix my inner gaze and provoke a lifelong quest.
 
On Fridays we were required to attend chapel at St. Alban’s. The chapel was an enchanted building surrounded by rose bushes, clad in vivid stained glass windows and icons of various saints and biblical heroes. I had been raised a Baptist, in the tedious austerity of undecorated churches without incense and ritual, so the Latin Mass, with its flickering candles, chanting and icons, struck a deep and mysterious chord in me. Secretly, I was already praying to ancient Egyptian gods and learning about the Goddess Isis, and had developed an aversion to the concept of monotheism and what I saw as the Christian superiority complex.

When kneeling to say the Lord’s Prayer, which I ardently refused to parrot, I folded my hands and silently prayed to Isis, Osiris and Horus. How else could I go through with it…praying in the house of a god I did not even believe existed? For me, I found consolation in transferring the symbols and dogma of Catholic Christianity into the hieroglyphs and deities of the ancient Egyptian pantheon.

Chapel possessed one virtue for me that helped me during what was a very troubled and difficult childhood. The secret faith I kept locked away deep in my heart had no open outlet through which to find expression. My parents were hardline Baptists…bible thumping church goers who believed and taught in the infallible, inerrant existence of the Christian doctrine. So, it was in the iconography of Catholicism that I was able to covertly maintain a living relationship with the Gods of Egypt. My gods.

The chapel at St. Albans contained a number of striking life size icons, but of all these it was the marble statue of the Virgin Mary that called to my heart. When I looked up into her outstretched arms, her veiled, tender form with its kind and compassionate gaze, I saw the Goddess Isis, most ancient Queen of Goddesses, and I petitioned Her to possess the statue of Mary so I could come and offer Her my prayers and heartaches.

For a year I came every week, and sometimes more frequently, to pray and commune with Isis in Her Catholic disguise, lighting candles, and in my mind reliving the ancient stories of the Goddess and Her holy family. Isis had traversed very troubled times, I knew. Her cherished brother-husband Osiris had been brutally murdered, even cut into pieces after He was slain, and Her son Horus was conceived in secret and reared on the run. The Goddess had lost Her queenship of Egypt, and had had to flee for Her life. She had been a refugee in Her own country, forced to scrape together a living in the marshes of the Delta, and She had almost lost Her son to a near-fatal scorpion bite. She had been alone and persecuted, and knew hunger, fear and heartache.

In Isis I knew that I was not alone, and that far from being a lofty fear-commanding god, Isis was the mother and caretaker of all living things. She took all people unto Her in their troubles, not only those who believed in Her, but all hearts. She did not rule through doctrine or man-made institutions, nor did She demand obedience via the threat of eternal torture in hell. Isis, the Mother of all Gods, simply loves. She is a queen of hearts, and it is through the heart that She calls, nurtures and loves.

One Friday morning Father Treat saw me lighting a candle in front of Mary, and sought me out. With a kind smile he said, “Ah, you are praying to our Lady”. With an even bigger smile I replied, “No, I am praying to Isis”. I am not quite sure what possessed me to confess my secret to Father Treat that day, but the cat was out of the bag! Suddenly I had diarrhea of the mouth, and blurted out everything, right then and there. I told Father Treat under no uncertain terms that my Goddess had given birth to his god, that Isis was the true origin of divinity, and that Her faith, the religion of Her people, was the true and ancient belief of the human race. “Christianity is second hand goods”, I told him. “The real thing began in Egypt”.

That was the end of my secret prayers to Isis, because Father Treat, naturally horrified and beside himself, called my mother to St. Albans for a meeting, during which I was chastised for my blasphemy, and assigned a strict penance for the “wicked lies” I had spoken. “Do you want to go to hell?!”, my mother yelled at me in the car on the way home from school. “Don’t you know that God punished the children of Israel for worshiping the false gods of Egypt?” For some reason I still had a tiny fragment of courage left. “No. He is your god, you deal with him. My god is Isis, and She was Goddess before your god ever existed!”

My father made me spend the whole weekend writing out John 3:16 in a legal notepad, and the controversy lingered in the household for quite a while. I never did recant my heresy, and I even had the nerve to return to chapel on Fridays. How suspiciously Father Treat eyed me as I lit candles in front of the Virgin Mary, and made my heartfelt little prayer to Isis:

Hail Isis, Queen of Egypt,
Mother of the World!
Blessed is the fruit of Your womb,
For the fruit which You have
Brought forth is the Sun!

Then I went home, turned on MTV, and got my Goddess fix watching Madonna videos. My parents may have seen an 80’s rock sex symbol, dancing in lingerie in front of a burning cross singing “Like a Prayer”, but I saw Isis, the urban goddess, ever present and ever ready to steal hearts…even in the most surprising of places!

Isis Is An Urban Goddess (Part 1)

"Auset (Isis) Queen of Magic", an icon in progress/ Extra fine mineral oils, 22 karat gold, copper

 In the late 90’s I had hit personal crisis big time. The long term relationship I had been in was slowly heading for the rocks. Like an ostrich I stuck my head in the sand and waited, hoping that if I hid long enough, pretended to go about things as usual, that it would all just take care of itself. So very Pisces, eh? My partner was a recovering Mormon from Salt Lake City, whose own father had been excommunicated from the Mormon Church for coming out of the closet. Initially, my partner found a breath of fresh air in my practice of the ancient Egyptian sacred traditions, and he seemed to be able to find a source of healing in the story of Isis and Her holy family.

Things took a drastic turn for the worse when my partner faced a crisis of faith, his Mormon past resurfacing to haunt him…his daily struggle becoming one of spiritual identity and life path. As I seriously considered taking priestly vows, my partner found himself despising religion in total, and unable to cope with my increasing spiritual epiphanies. It was a tense and difficult roller coaster ride….Enter Isis…enter DeTraci Regula.

My partner’s father was close friends with the owner of Better World Galleria in San Diego, and on a chilly Autumn night my partner and I attended a special event there that was to have serious repercussions on my life and spiritual path. DeTraci Regula was presenting a lecture and signing for her new book “The Mysteries of Isis”, and I knew I had to be there. It was one of those seminal moments in life…the kind you look back on even years later, and realize that without this one event, you would not be the person you are today.

DeTraci Regula is one of those rare speakers who has the ability to bring ancient, abstract or dated concepts right into the current moment as fresh and vibrant, living ideas. This is what DeTraci accomplishes in “The Mysteries of Isis”, which must be ranked as one of the most significant contributions to Goddess worship in the modern age. For me, the profound blessing of this book, together with its author, is the continued emphasis on the universality of the Goddess, and the continued relevance of Her worship and mythos in the current era.

”Isis is not just an Egyptian goddess”, DeTraci said at the very start of her lecture. “She has Her feet planted comfortably in Greece, Rome, London…even in China and Japan. Isis is at home in New York City!” DeTraci’s ideas and research strive to take Isis out of the confines of Egyptian antiquity and reveal Her much broader influences and characteristics. At the same time, “Mysteries of Isis” links past and present, antiquity and future, by giving the current devotee a means of utilizing the ancient rites and mysteries in the here and now. This is precisely what I needed on that night in the 90’s when I attended DeTraci’s lecture, facing a crisis in private love life…facing a crossroads.

At this time in my life I was struggling with my ardent devotion to my Gods and Their ancient mysteries and how the expression of this devotion could be reconciled with life in the modern era. Gone were the monumental temples of Isis, where priestesses and priests could celebrate the complex rites and rituals without constraints from the secular world. In ancient Egypt the secular and sacred were blurred, and there was no separation of church and state. Ancient celebrants had it easy, say, in comparison with practitioners in today’s New York City. My partner’s identity crisis brought it home to me that in the current era, the sacred was not so readily embraced or easy to find confirmation of. Things came to a head, and I had to make a choice.

I was single, again, and alone, it so seemed, in taking vows to join the clergy of the ancient Egyptian rites of Isis. I had obsessed myself with DeTraci’s book, and it was through her wise but firm guidance that I handed myself over into the two hands of Isis, sacrificing my old life, and becoming a servant of the ancient Mysteries of the Mysterious One.

Isis Lady of the Two Lands
Are you there?
Hear my prayer Isis, hear my prayer.
Are You there Isis,
Are You there!
Isis Lady of the Two Hands
You are there.
You are there Isis,
You are there.
Hear my prayer Isis,
Hear my prayer!

This Isian song was given to me by DeTraci Regula during much happier times, but it lends itself with such grace to my struggles and tempestuous feelings when I began my path as a consecrated priest. DeTraci said to me once, “Ptahmassu, you came into this world a priest!” Most people would agree with her, and most people seem to see me as a natural priest and ritualist, leaping tall obelisks in a single bound…with a simple flick of a wrist manhandling the harmonies out of any sistrum!

But for me, the actual state of affairs is much more complicated, and the sacrifices I have had to make for my priesthood have often been difficult…sometimes devastating. To all would-be priestesses and priests out there I say, be very careful what you wish for…what you think you are asking for. Initiation into the Mysteries of Isis means making of your heart a sponge, and the Goddess squeezes nothing less than everything out of it…then asks for even more.

I spent time on the streets of San Diego just before the 90’s came to a close. I had had to put everything I owned in storage, and found myself without an address. Reading Isis and Tibetan Buddhist philosophy by day, and spending nights on the couches of this friend or that acquaintance, I rebelled against the concept of working a traditional job and being a respectable member of society (some things haven’t changed, right?!), and opted instead to be a shaven headed urban priest of Isis, the Goddess in the red dress.

One night I had no couch to crash on, so there was nothing for it, I crashed in the covered back doorway of a store…one of the favored haunting places of San Diego’s elite homeless. One of the regulars was already there, a kind old gentleman wearing a very sporty suit coat and shiny dress shoes. He tended to mumble incoherently under his alcoholic breath, but he was not unpleasant, and didn’t mind sharing his blankets with me. At one point he turned to me and blurted out, “She’s watching you, you know”. I was perplexed. “Who is watching me?” He shrugged. “I don’t know. Don’t ask me…but it’s her…the lady in the red dress”. At that, the old drunk let out a confident fart, and turned over in the blankets. Isis! I thought, almost so loud I was sure the old man had heard me. Just then, I heard him stutter, “Yeah, that lady in the red dress”. Isis, I laughed inside my head….You’ve got to be kidding me!